Do NOT watch this at work.

Naked Magician

Thia: Mommy, what does "pentagon" mean?
MB: "Penta" means five and a "gon" is a shape, so it is a five sided shape.

Thia: Mommy, why triangle? What does it mean?
MB: In this case, "tri" means three angles.

[Apparently, Thia paused at this point.]

Thia: Mommy, then why "square?"

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior? -- New York Senator James H. Donovan, commenting on capital punishment

The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason. -- Benjamin Franklin

A new poll showed that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job handling the war in Iraq and the remaining 34% think that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church. -- Tina Fey on SNL 10/29/2005

The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind? -- David Letterman

In protest to France's opposition to the US war on Iraq, the US Congress cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast, to freedom fries and freedom toast. Afterwards, the Congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as idiot cheese. ...

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. -- George Carlin

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German. -- Comic Argus Hamilton on Newt Gingrich addressing GOP governors

A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood of ideas in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people. -- John F. Kennedy

Liberty lies in the rights of that person whose views you find most odious. -- John Stuart Mill

...They tried to make me go to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short time. When the penguin came after me with a ruler, I was out of there. - Frank Zappa

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire (1694-1778), on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell - Marquis de Sade

"There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes. - James Morrow

It will yet be the proud boast of women that they never contributed a line to the Bible. - George W. Foote

The national government...will maintain and defend the foundations on which the power of our nation rests. It will offer strong protection to Christianity as the very basis of our collective morality. - Adolph Hitler, The Speeches of Adolph Hitler, 1922-1939, Vol. 1 (London, Oxford University Press, 1942), pg. 871-872

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. — Friedrich Nietzsche

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Father again.

"Well, no," says the man.

"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

Next Joke

President Bush was visiting a primary school in New Orleans and he dropped in on one of the classes that had just opened after Hurricane Katrina. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So President Bush asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that.....would that be a tragedy?"

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children away from the recent flood waters drove over a cliff killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I am afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised hand. In a.....quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly-fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right, now tell me and the class why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a friggen' accident either."

Wow - Not many people are like this

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the woman who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "Well brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Wow. This must be seen to be believed.

All Star Wars fans should see this... It is a full hour movie so have time to spend. I hope to be showing this to Mary Beth, because I know she will like it.

You can see the passion in the people who made this movie. It takes about 10 minutes to realize it, but there is better acting than Lucas found, and a real story line.

Again, a $0 budget??? and in New Jersey of all places. The girl is an FSU grad, and may even be hotter than Natalie Portman - it is certainly close. (Of course, nobody is hotter then Mary Beth.)

Reign of the Fallen

Talk about one lucky guy! Girls Gone Wild
This is definitely European... Hold my beer
World of Warcraft Dancing... Internet is for porn
Not for a person with a heart condition... Horror Film
Good ending to this... Star Wars Baby

Here are a few of the interesting Numa Numa links...

Final Fantasy
Crazed Numa Fan - MB got a kick out of this.
World of Warcraft.
UBC version - good fan remake.
US Navy gets into it.
Spongebob
Chicken Little
And, of course, the fan site. Look at the ladies lining up to marry this guy.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

"If an infinite number of shotgun-toting rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks spot an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. "

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"...

"She acts like she is asleep every time."

Here is a story that the Albany crowd can enjoy...

Setting: Mommy was putting Thia (age 5) in bed and was trying to impress upon her how great it can be to become an astronaut...

Mommy: "I know a person named Thagard who is such a well known and liked astronaut that he even has a building named after him!"

Thia: "There is persons named Egg?"

I almost died laughing.

Then...

Somebody actually thought this up - as a race, we are all doomed.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

Never believe generalizations.

Avoid alliterations always.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If you can read this, you're not the president.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

"The mere formulation of a problem is far more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of mathematical or experimental skills. To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle requires creative imagination and marks real advances in science."

"It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."

"The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one."

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."

"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."

"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."

"He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."

"The conscientious objector is a revolutionary. On deciding to disobey the law he sacrifices his personal interests to the most important cause of working for the betterment of society."

"Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind."

"Nationalism, on my opinion, is nothing more than an idealistic rationalization for militarism and aggression."

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

"Do you believe in immortality? No, and one life is enough for me."

"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."

"Force always attracts men of low morality."

"I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war."

"I do not believe in immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it."

"I do not believe in the God of theology who rewards good and punishes evil."

"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew."

"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

"It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."

After clicking the link, you may need to Scroll down to see movie

"It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)

"Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the position is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield)

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)

"Splendid couple slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra)

"My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)

"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)

"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)

"I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead)

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry Youngman)

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.

I didn't realize how many parodies there are on the Internet. For people with a few brain cells to kill, check out the links at the bottom of this wikipedia page.

Sperm Bank

Go Sony!

• Good ending
• Bud Light Beer
• Never Trust a Woman
• Pepsi Ad
• Right Idea
• Woman Driver
• One for MB. Your man aint so bad after all...
• Love the butt jokes.
• And I can't resist another jab at Bush

Got Milk?

How to Open Beer

How not to motivate a Sky Diver

Cows with guns

Bar Jokes

Stranded on an Island

New Business Model

Wardrobe Malfunction

XXX WARNING!!! VERY MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY, PLEASE.
This is another one of those - I don't believe anyone actually made this commercial.
Adult Content - Warning

For anyone unaware, go to the Darwin Awards and check out "Lawn Chair Larry."

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Words Women Use (as explained by a woman):

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Husband Super Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in fivefloors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

Men's Thoughts On Women

She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. - Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? - Ted, Wexford, Pa.

What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. - Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. - Jim, Minneapolis

My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs. - Miles, Shreveport, La.

Every so often boom she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. - Cary, Seattle

She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. - Terence, Gary, Ind.

She's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde. - Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

She takes her half of the bed out of the middle. - Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

She will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother. - Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

It annoys her that our children look like me. - James, New Orleans

Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. - Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

• Mouse Trap
• First there were steriods
• Now that we are in Albany, let's ski
• Tuned Out
• Dance the Robot
• Evil Ford
• Only in Europe
• Beer Commercials are the best
• Wife School
• This man's from Talle
• Crazy Frog
• Mastercard Spoof - Adult
• Cow Love - Adult
• Star Wars Spoof - Adult
• That anyone made this commercial is wrong - Adult
• Master Card Spoof - Adult

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF MB HAS PMS

1. She complains that Thia and Janele have an attitude problem.
2. She transfers money at 8:45 pm between accounts in order to run up to Lark to get B & J Ice Cream.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.
4. Fowler is suddenly agreeing to everything she says.
5. She is using her cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
6. Instead of stayng upstairs to play Bejewelled II on the PC, she goes to the basement to play Ghost Recon (for the simple pleasure of "waxing those insensitive Nazi bastards.")
7. She's convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. Jack an Maggie DON'T scratch on the back door to be let in.
9. She decides the upstairs office needs reorganizing again and Fowler jumps right to it.
10. She catches her husband writing a blog like this and she ... ugghhh... oowwww.........

Call 911.

Sorry about that